Choosing Your Story: How the Stories We Tell Ourselves Shape Our Wellbeing

There's something rather magical about Hay-on-Wye. Known as the Town of Books, its streets are filled with independent bookshops, honesty bookshops and shelves containing thousands upon thousands of stories.

I recently spent a gorgeous day there before heading up to Hay Bluff (you can watch the video here) and being surrounded by so many books got me thinking about another kind of story: the one we tell ourselves. Because while we may not always realise it, we're constantly creating stories about who we are, what our experiences mean and what we believe will happen next.

We make a mistake and think, “I'm useless. I always get things wrong.”

Someone doesn't respond to a message and we wonder, “Have I done something wrong? Maybe they don't really like me.”

Something doesn't work out and we tell ourselves, “Nothing ever goes right for me.”

The event itself is real. But the story we create around it isn't necessarily the only way of interpreting it. And that matters, because the way we interpret our experiences can have a powerful influence on the way we feel.

Why our minds are drawn to the negative

One reason our inner stories can so easily become negative is something psychologists call the negativity bias. Research suggests that negative information can have a particularly powerful effect on our attention and emotions. From an evolutionary perspective, being alert to threats and dangers was incredibly useful. Noticing the predator hiding nearby was considerably more important for survival than appreciating the particularly beautiful sunset. But that ancient tendency can still influence the way we think today.

Ten people can compliment us and one person can criticise us, yet which comment are we still thinking about hours later?

We can achieve nine things and make one mistake, yet find ourselves lying in bed thinking about the mistake.

We can have a wonderful day with one awkward moment and somehow allow that moment to colour our memory of the entire experience.

Without realising it, we can begin collecting these negative moments as evidence for a much bigger story:

I'm not good enough.

I always mess things up.

Other people are more capable than me.

I'll never be able to do that.

But thoughts aren't facts.

Could there be another story?

One of the most useful things we can learn to do is to notice the interpretation we're placing on an experience and ask whether there might be another way of looking at it. This idea is closely related to cognitive reframing. Rather than automatically accepting our first interpretation of a situation, we learn to examine our thoughts and consider whether they are accurate, helpful and balanced. Research into cognitive approaches supports challenging inaccurate negative interpretations, although this isn't about simply replacing every negative thought with a positive one.

Imagine two people make exactly the same mistake at work.

One thinks:“I can't believe I did that. I'm terrible at my job.”

The other thinks: “That didn't go as I'd hoped. What can I learn from it so I handle it differently next time?”

The mistake hasn't changed. But the meaning attached to it has. The second person isn't pretending the mistake didn't happen. They aren't forcing themselves to be positive. They're simply choosing a fairer and more constructive interpretation. And that's an important distinction.

This isn't about pretending everything is wonderful

Choosing your story doesn't mean ignoring painful experiences, denying difficult emotions or putting a positive spin on everything that happens. Sometimes things really are difficult. Sometimes people hurt us. Sometimes we fail. Sometimes life doesn't turn out as we'd hoped. A more balanced inner narrative allows those things to be true without allowing them to become the whole story.

Instead of:

“I failed.”

Perhaps:

“This didn't work out, but I can learn from it.”

Instead of:

“Nobody likes me.”

Perhaps:

“Not everyone will connect with me, and that's okay. I can still live authentically and invest in the relationships that matter.”

Instead of:

“I'll never be able to do this.”

Perhaps:

“I can't do it yet. I can keep learning and give myself time.”

Small changes in language can create a very different perspective.

Be careful which stories you repeat

The stories we tell ourselves repeatedly can begin to influence how we see ourselves.If your inner voice constantly tells you that you're incapable, unlikeable or destined to fail, you may begin behaving as though those things are true. So every now and then, it can be helpful to stop and ask:

What story have I been telling myself lately?

Is it fair?

Is it really true?

What evidence might I be overlooking?

Would I speak this way to somebody I love?

Is there a kinder, fairer and more balanced way of telling this story?

That last question is particularly important. Because sometimes we extend far more compassion to other people than we do to ourselves. If a friend made a mistake, we'd probably remind her of everything she does well. If she was rejected for a job, we'd tell her it didn't define her ability or her future. If she was struggling with something new, we'd encourage her to keep going.

We deserve some of that kindness too.

You are still writing it

Perhaps that's what I love most about the metaphor of our lives as stories. A difficult chapter isn't the whole book. Neither is a mistake, a rejection, a disappointment or somebody else's opinion of you.

There are always more pages to write. So pay attention to the words you use when you talk to yourself. Notice when your mind turns one difficult experience into a sweeping judgement about who you are. Challenge the stories that have become so familiar you've stopped questioning whether they're actually true. And try to become the narrator of your life who sees not only the mistakes and disappointments, but also the courage, progress, kindness, resilience, growth and hope. Because you may not be able to choose every experience that becomes part of your story. But you can have a say in the meaning you give it, the lessons you take from it, and the story you carry forward.

So choose your story carefully. It's the one you'll hear more often than any other.